The Thirsty Turtle Times was founded on June 16, 2011.
This “news agency” serves the College Park community in ways you probably don’t realize or understand. We do the dirty work. We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’ We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.
Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing. Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.
Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.
The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction. And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader. We’re just not telling you what we lead in.
For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.
To join the revolution, email us at email@example.com, or follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes.