Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge.

Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he noticed a surprise.

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night.

“They didn’t charge me for my side of mashed potatoes!” she explained the following morning from what remained of her apartment. In fact, the dining hall’s cash registers encountered a glitch, and nullified every mashed potato purchase for about a minute.

What followed next was totally called for, as students from inside and out flooded the open space beyond the registers, screaming and celebrating. Security had anticipated the rush, and escorted the cashiers through the crowd to the kitchens, with students reaching over to pat their backs enthusiastically.

“Who knows what’s next?” yelled one student, throwing mustard packets into the sky. “Maybe mac and cheese, maybe soda, maybe we’ll even get whole meals for free!”

As students wiped tears from their eyes, their chanting replaced by occasional bursts of pure emotion, one particularly pale and sweaty student let out a gutteral roar: “BENTLEY’S!”

The mashed potatoes weren't even that good, apparently.

The mashed potatoes weren’t even that good, apparently.

There followed a mass exodus, but alas, the many thousands of students could not fit into RJ Bentley’s Filling Station. Instead they flooded the streets of College Park, tossing trashcans, downing signs, climbing buildings and rocking vehicles.

“WAAAAAAHHHHUUUUGHAAAARARARAAAAAA” Krebbs said thoughtfully from the top of Ratsie’s.  Several students followed her up the walls, and together they tore down whatever that weird collage thing is on the side of Barking Dog.

The rioting went well into the night, drawing the National Guard into College Park and prompting an address from President Obama. The siege was lifted by 7:00 AM this morning, by which time College Park laid largely in ruins.

“The worst part,” added Krebbs the next morning, sifting through the rubble of College Park and UMD’s fanbase credibility, “is the mashed potatoes suck anyway.”

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Ray Lewis’s Angst contributed to this report. It can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com.

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