It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.
They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.
“North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one student. “Like, it wasn’t even edible. It was terrible.”
So they were eating pig feces.
“WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?” shouted one student, stuffing handfuls of excrement into his mouth. “We can’t eat that crap. What other choice do we have?” At that point, the student appeared to have confused himself. He simply blurted out, “Fire Edsall.”
Reporters struggled to extract any more explanations for the bizarre behavior. The students were not interested in such mundane topics. They all unceasingly spouted reasons why the University of Maryland should immediately dismiss head football coach Randy Edsall.
In Edsall’s first year as coach, the Terps struggled to a 2-10 season, losing their last seven games by double digit margins.
A majority of the students eating feces were wearing “Fire Edsall” shirts. Though none of the media on scene were sports reporters, they were able to engage the students on the topics.
“What do you say about the athletic department’s five million dollar budget deficit, plus the ten million it would take to replace Edsall and his staff?” asked a Diamondback reporter of a student arms deep in feces.
“Look at the numbers. Look at the donations we’re losing. Look at the ticket losses! We’re losing money, but we can totally afford the replacement!” said the student, his “Fire Edsall” shirt covered in pig slop. “If we don’t replace him, we will sink into a lethal spiral and the program will never win a game again and lose billions of dollars.”
“Where did you get these numbers?” asked the reporter.
“Ted,” he replied, pointing to another student whose head was lost inside a pig’s rectum, his neck pulsing with the effort of swallowing.
After awhile, the students seemed incapable of anything beyond consuming feces and babbling “Fire Edsall.” Reporters continued to press the students to explain why they were eating excrement instead of simply waiting until morning for the diners to serve new food. Answers were short and simple.
“We’re hungry now.”
“What’s so hard to understand? We want food. There’s nothing to eat. So we’re eating shit. Fire Edsall.”
One student came somewhat prepared.
“Results are like eating nacho cheese,” he said, pouring some of the same all over his plate of hot feces. “If it isn’t fast enough, you could have a real problem on your hands.” And with that, he shoved the whole plate into his mouth.
Porky the Pig contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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