Category Archives: Adventures

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

“I was just reading my copy of The Engineering Magazine, when that guy in sunglasses and a muscle shirt came in and asked about his ‘30 Natural Light’ or something,” recounted Elmira Banks, one of McKeldin Library’s front desk staffers, seeming bewildered. “I told him no, we have electric lighting, and he got angry so I went to my boss.”

David Allen, the director of DOTS, was at the time filling in as staff manager for McKeldin. He heard the words natural light, and reportedly began screaming.

“HE WANTS TO RIP OPEN THE WALLS AND CEILING, IT’S A BOMB!” he was heard to shout over the radio to the University of Maryland Police Department’s officer stationed in the library at the time.

The officer listened raptly, and calmly reassured Mr. Allen.  “No no no,” he said. “Natural Light is beer. The students drink it at.. parties…”

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

He sputtered. “OH GOD I NEED BACKUP,” he roared into his radio. “GET EVERYONE DOWN HERE NOW!”

Within five minutes, every emergency vehicle in Prince George’s County was outside McKeldin Library.  Though the library was evacuated, no message was issued through UMD Alerts, leading to some student dissatisfaction.

“We had a moral obligation to prevent students from approaching unopened alcoholic beverages” said an officer on site. “Staying calm is not as important as staying sober.”

K-9 units (bomb-sniffing dogs), which had been in training for some few weeks before the incident, were on scene with the UMPD.  Unfortunately they had practiced hunting down beers so often, always finishing by chewing them open and consuming their contents, they were still inebriated, and were mostly useless.  Yet they didn’t prove necessary.

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

After the evacuation and four-hour search, the school had lost some $10,000 of misplaced or stolen equipment, an estimated $1,000 spent on emergency services, and students had forgone a night of studying for finals.

From their search of McKeldin Library the police uncovered and confiscated 797 Natural Light beers, 36 bottles of varying hard liquors, 25 different bags, containers, joints, blunts or spliffs of marijuana, four strippers, two bottles of absinthe, and an injection-ready horse tranquilizer.

The original unknown suspect is still at large, though students are advised to keep their eyes out for a “white male aged 18-22, who likes Natural Light beer.”

Later reached over the phone for comment, an unspecified officer at the UMPD station said “EEEEEEGHHHHEWAAAAHAAAAGHFHGOTERPSUFHGHFUGHFOHA.”

You deserve it, boys.

Thanks to those who keep us safe. To reach the losers who always make fun of them, email thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

“The corn shortage brought on a good hard fay-mine.  Daddy said our struggles were cuza those fy-nan-seers in New York City,” said Studley, speaking outside New York City Criminal Court on Monday morning, ignoring his court-assigned lawyer’s advice that he stop talking.

“So logicallism sujest they turned hundereds of corns into one big un and put it right der!  THEY TOOK ER CORN!” he continued.

“Whos diss booknerd who wont stop boderin me?” Studley added as his lawyer fell over trying to push him off the court steps.

Hawkeye fans in Iowa City supporting Studley during his arraignment:

Minutes after scaling, evaluating, and finally taking a shucking knife to the building, Studley was arrested by FBI agents.  This comes just two weeks after dozens of University of Maryland students were arrested for rioting in New York in the wake of UMD’s Atlantic Coast Conference Tournament upset of Duke University.

peter king on islam

Rep. Peter King (R, NY) declaring “government cash” and “muslim students” should be mutually exclusive options for public universities.

“It is clear that Islamo-socialism is reborn in America” said congressman Peter King (R, NY) on ABC News last night.  “And these public universities are the hotbeds.”

The CIA has reportedly taken University of Maryland President Wallace Loh into questioning, owing to his affiliations with both UMD and the University of Iowa, where he used to be provost.  Sources from inside the CIA (and we have loads of them) suggest Loh has been identified as the center of a massive international conspiracy.  We’ll have more on that soon.

“At least dey gonna be corn dis year!” said Studley later on Monday, driving a wobbly Hawkeye team RV out of the Staten Island Hurricane Sandy Relief Shelter.

To be continued…

Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign

“That thing isn’t even up straight anymore!” yelled Trey, referring to the sign. “Yeah,” added Tyler. “It looks like Mason Plumlee going for a rebound.”

Students in New Jersey took to the streets of their various hometowns, flooding market squares and pouring out of bars and clubs.  Fights broke out across the state, from Teaneck to Cherry Hill, allegedly begun as a result of the game.

“Interesting that they chose college basketball as their excuse this time,” said Lieutenant Peter Costello of the New Jersey State Police. “They must have really cared about that game.”

In Baltimore, several Maryland students attempted to riot in the North Avenue/Belair Road part of town. Of the school’s Baltimore residents who returned to College Park, the few who have been seen in public have often been moving frantically, carrying schoolbooks, always in tears.  All who were asked have refused to comment on what happened.

A sizeable chunk of Maryland students spent their hard-earned savings on a trip to Panama City, Florida.  They watched the game, celebrated outside all night, had an awesome time and you hate them.

In New York, Maryland students crowded into several designated bars across The Bronx, Manhattan, and Brooklyn, and all successfully congregated at The Charging Bull following the game.  Their tweets, Facebook posts, and other social media boasts of their plans were intercepted by the CIA.

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students' attempts to riot in New York City

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students’ attempts to riot in New York City

Special ops were on scene in minutes.  Several students were killed by unmanned drones.  Several more were captured, and have reportedly been sent to the federal detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Rep. Peter King (R, NY), and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D, NY) sparred on CNN as to the legality of the killings and incarcerations.

“These kids should have been given a fair tri – uhhh, I think President Obama is a trustworthy man. This must be a Republican’s fault,” said Sen. Gillibrand, blinking every syllable.

“Don’t believe the Ayatollah’s lies. We will not negotiate with terrorists! Hats off to the entire ladder of law enforcement here, from the ground guys right to the top man not appointed by the president,” said Rep. King without blinking.

Meanwhile in Boston, UMD students were buried under another snowstorm.  It was the only city where a bonfire was considered the cool way to celebrate.

Pelican in oil

TTT’s New Orleans Correspondent

Meanwhile, in New Orleans, many vacationing Maryland fans were out on the streets following the game, but it’s unclear what they were celebrating.  Information is of course hazy, as the Thirsty Turtle Times correspondent on sight reports he was “blacked out like a pelican in the Gulf of Mexico.” Reportedly, however, New Orleans was the only celebration where the common “Show your tits!” chant actually found any success.

University of Maryland students also took to the seas, as many joined a discount Carnivale Cruiseline ship from Tampa, Florida, through the Caribbean and back. None of those students saw or followed the game, however, as the ship’s power went out and it was out of range of any cellular service.  The students rioted anyway, as soon as the ship ran out of toilet paper and buckets.

And despite all the celebrations, despite Maryland’s ensuing loss to North Carolina in the ACC semifinals, there’s still plenty of energy left in Terpnation.

“We’re going crazy if they win the NIT,” added Trey from Columbia.  “Like, I’m talking pulling out my mom’s flowers crazy.”

Ethan Diamond and Mother Nature contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling.

“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.

On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Artist’s rendering of Loh’s costume

“LOH NO!” he screamed.

“OH MY GOD THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY MIRROR BARBARA GET RID OF HIM!”

Mrs. Loh, confused, attempted to calm her husband. The only thing Wallace saw in the mirror was his wife lovingly approach an underage drinking student.

“NO!” he screamed. “STAY AWAY FROM MY BARBARA!”

After swinging his hot fire poker at his mirror, Loh called the UMPD, and screamed that a student was drinking illegally in his house and making advances on his wife. In the recording of the 911 call, largely indistinguishable through Loh’s callous screaming, the words Loh used the most were “Kill, kill, kill!”

Arriving on the scene with four cruisers, a battering ram, and a helicopter, the police broke into Loh’s house and immediately arrested him. Tying him to his living room armchair next to his fireplace, they began to taunt and question him.

Dr. Loh and his wife

“Frat guy in the house!” ranted a captain.

“Big tough guy with his big tough beer!” spat a sergeant

“Who’s in charge here?” demanded one lieutenant.

“I am,” responded Loh.

“Where are the deputies?” inquired another lieutenant to roaring laughter.

At that point, Loh slowly raised his finger, pointing to his employees one-by-one, from cop to cop. Their smiles vanished.

Chaos reigned.

For the next four-and-a-half hours, the President’s Residence was torn asunder by furious gunfire, as well as a few grenade explosions. Each officer attempted to arrest the other four for underage drinking, despite the men ranging in age from mid 20s to lower 60s, while Wallace Loh struggled to shield his wife from the mayhem and destruction.

It seemed the only officer willing to “accept” he had indeed drank underage was Lieutenant Philip Tou. In total shame, Tou attempted to take his own life during the firefight, but his skull was too thick for a bullet to pass through.

After all the officers exhausted their ammunition, they began fighting hand-to-hand, using whatever weapons they could scrounge, including burning embers from the fire, hot fire pokers, and the empty firearms. There appeared to be no end in sight to the pandemonium.

Reenactment of Monday night’s events:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdkAgP_nDg4&w=420&h=315]

The officers were finally distracted from their fight by a mysterious crackling and slapping sound. Silent for a moment, it didn’t take the five officers and two Lohs long to realize that the mansion they were in was under assault – by a barrage of eggs.

Having momentarily forgotten that it was still Halloween night, it took a moment for those inside to catch their bearings. But it was Tou who took control.

“TILL DEATH!” he screamed, to roars of concord, and the officers grabbed every weapon they could from Loh’s secret armory in his cellar.

In the year of our Lord 2011, policemen of Maryland, overfed and over-equipped, charged the fields of College Park. They fought like Wallace Loh-its. They fought like Terrapins, and stole their freedom.

________________________________

Mel Gibson contributed to this report

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