The Terrapin League: The Battle of McKeldin

Part I: Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice.  If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Last week (year), campus troubles became a national crisis! President Wallace Loh possesses a computer … Continue reading

Adventures of the Terrapin Boys: Rise of Dr. Loh

Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice. If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Starting here: Last month, we saw the government take action after a University of Iowa … Continue reading

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to … Continue reading

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn. … Continue reading

Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74. Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last … Continue reading

Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling. “I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh. On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other … Continue reading