Category Archives: Opinion

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

Wallace Loh 2012

Like the Thirsty Turtle Times itself, I will keep it realer than reality.  This campaign will be as genuine as it could possibly be without violating Federal Election law.  And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea where that line is.

My positions are certainly beyond reality:

  • I will absolutely repeal Obamacare – not because it’s unconstitutional or bad policy, but because together, we will work to screw over as many students as possible.
  • My foreign policy will be as simple as possible, because as we all know, complex questions have simple answers.  So I will smile at everybody, and of course, I will gargle Israel’s testicles.  World problems solved.  No questions.
  • The government needs to save money. So, I propose that we abolish several agencies – the Department of Commerce, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Consumer Protection Agency, for starters.  We will replace those agencies with Daycon services, which will take over all governmental responsibility pertaining to corporate integrity.  I’ll funnel them a $10 billion budget – far cheaper than all those soon-to-be-former agencies, but enough to make Daycon rich.  Why? Because I fucking hate those drop-Daycon assholes, and I hope you do too.
  • Judges will be allowed to have whatever opinions they want, as long as those opinions are the same as mine.
  • Speaking of judicial matters, I am a big supporter of the Lay and Gesbian community.  They deserve equality, but I’ll never get the Republican nomination if I support corrupting marriage.  So I propose we ban marriage entirely.  Nobody happy, everybody wins.
  • I would have supported raising the debt ceiling, because I’m not THAT batshit crazy.  However, I only really believe that so we can keep giving money to China. I am somewhat crazy.

I may be Fake Wallace Loh, but damnit, I keep it pretty fucking real.  This campaign is true. I may be your university president, but together, we are the University of Maryland.  And we’re taking our Terps straight to the White House.

#Loh2012

P.S. Keep your eyes pealed for an op-ed from most glorious Vice Presidential Candidate Lee!

Dr. Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011.  He is a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America.

He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com

#LOH: My Proposal for UMD – The Best Masturbation Reference you’ve ever Heard

by Fake Wallace Loh

HELLOH STUDENTS!

Dr. Loh has a plan.

I have a proposal for all of you, and I wish for you to hear me out.  Without further ado:

Masturbation is a curious, ongoing marvel of the human experience.  It is not exclusively a human creation, but it is also not quite in line with natural sexual activity.  That’s not to criticize it; rather, it’s to put in context. Viewing sex as an act of pleasure as opposed to an act of necessity, acknowledging it as such, and proceeding with it as such, is a phenomenon of mankind – and an increasingly acceptable part of our society.  And thus, we have a fascination with it. We have built our culture around it, dancing ever closer to its mysterious center.

With that in mind, it’s time to make some societal adjustments.  I have always felt, and I’m sure you do too, that we simply do not have enough masturbation references out there.  Not enough cheesy rhyming metaphors, like the “five-knuckle-shuffle.” Not enough smut and nonsense, like “visiting Rosie Palm and her five daughters.” Not enough family-friendly lore tainted by permanent sexual connotations, like names of planets that sound like inappropriate body parts.

Masturbation is all about self. You are under complete control of your own sexual fiefdom. Your sexual organs are your center. It’s personalization at its finest.

But “self” doesn’t have to mean one person. It could be a collective self – like, for example, the United States.  Sexual satisfaction of a collective self, like the United States, would be an orgy of Americanization.  It would probably be something similar to the celebrations following the killing of Bin Laden, or if chili cheese dogs were served at Walmart. … which they are. I’m moving back to China.

But what of the U of MD? We have a lot to be proud of.  We are one of the most prestigious public schools in the country – a public Ivy – and we’re still rising.  We have the greatest university president in U.S. history – me.  We are at or near the precipice on several frontiers –Engineering, Astrophysics, and Business, to name a few (we even named our engineering building after my hero, Kim Jong-Il. A nod the Triple T on that scoop).  We are a hotspot for political stop-offs.  Even if we’re faced with an off year, we still have one of the stronger athletic programs in the nation.  Indeed, we deserve to self-satisfy.

So my question to you is, what do we satisfy? What is our sexual organ?  What – or who – is Maryland’s collective center? Answering that, how does the University of Maryland personalize itself? What’s our signature? What’s the rub to our Maryland mascot?

Piece that together, and answer me this:

How does a Terrapin Masturbate?

#Loh

Think twice next time you "Rub Testudo's Nose"

Dr. Wallace D. Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011. He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

Our New Logo is Fucking Awesome

Look at this logo:

We Keep it Realer than Reality

It’s fucking spectacular. And since we haven’t made a penny off this site yet, and since the real Thirsty Turtle is defunct, no one can sue us. We win for eternity.

This logo is on our Twitter page. You should follow us (@ThirstyTimes). If you don’t have Twitter, get one just for us.

This logo is on our Facebook page. You should become a fan of us. If you don’t have Facebook you’re either really really cool or really really weird. Most likely the ladder. We don’t have a Google+ page. If you have one of those, well, we’re ok with your lifestyle choice.

Seriously, this logo is awesome. It’s the best thing to come out of Microsoft Paint since the Obama Hope Poster.

Things are changing around here.  The Thirsty Turtle Times is a growing enterprise, and successful growth works on systems. So from now on, I will not publish my personal notes on our official account (THIRSTYTURTLETIMES).

I will write from this account as Editor in Chief.

thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow Us on Twitter For Updates on UMD’s Town Hall with Obama

That’s about the most descriptive title we’ve ever posted. If you aren’t following us on Twitter yet, then you’re wasting your time, your money, and your life.  Follow us for the real updates. You can also watch the event here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/live

It also appears we’ve started a frenzy; NO the event is not cancelled. This is a fake news organization. There. I said it.

Follow us @ThirstyTimes

Yours truly,

Editor-in-Chief.

The Thirsty Turtle Times Wants YOU

The Thirsty Turtle times is caught in a furious struggle for humanity.

We Want YOU!

We fight for the truth. We fight for you.

No, nothing we have printed is true. Nor is anything we will print in the future. But that doesn’t nullify our glorious cause. Our pursuit is not literal truth or ethical journalism.

Truth itself is not a written reality. It is a molding, shape shifting, supernatural force. It is, simply, something that is easier felt than said, and it is subject to its context. And it rides strong on the back of humor.

A fan of the Triple T is an intellect. They read between the lines. They see the magical presentation of a literal circus. We are brand new, and our fanbase is small. But like they trust in our pursuit of truth, we trust in their faith, and we know they will grow. The Thirsty Turtles will breed.

If this sounds like your kind of battle, the time has come for action. The Thirsty Turtle Times is recruiting soldiers.

The Pen is indeed mightier than the sword – writing ability is a must.

If you would like to write for the Thirsty Turtle Times, please contact us at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

We can also be reached on Twitter @ThirstyTimes or on Facebook at The Thirsty Turtle Times.

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report

thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Twitter @ThirstyTimes