Category Archives: Opinion

Rebecca Martinson for SGA President

Write in "Rebecca Martinson" for SGA President, now through April 24th at testudo.umd.edu

Write in “Rebecca Martinson” for SGA President, now through April 24th at www.testudo.umd.edu.

Editor’s note: start here.

If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, the SGA has been FUCKING UP in terms of FUCKING EVERYTHING.  And the only person LITERALLY capable of punting them into line is the smart, talented, electric and uncompromising Rebecca Martinson.

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Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).

Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read the official NRA response to University of Maryland President Wallace Loh’s propagandic column in last Wednesday’s Diamondback.

Dr. Loh should really be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals.  In fact he should probably resign and self-deport.  The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

Dr. Loh should be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals. In fact he should probably resign and self-deport. The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

What happened last week was a terrible tragedy: perhaps suffering from some kind of mental illness, a deranged person, using the mightiest weapon he possessed, tore apart our glorious Constitution. This person also happens to be President of the University of Maryland. Shame on the Diamondback for permitting such offensive bile, and Dr. Loh, shame on you for writing it! And this all comes after an earlier tragedy of a murder-suicide the week before. As if a community torn asunder by violence needs the further strife of you proposing solutions to prevent such a reoccurrence – so soon.

But Dr. Loh, the madness stops here. All of this clamoring to oppress our second amendment rights must stop.

The new assaults on our freedom proposed by Governor Martin O’Malley, which you support, are laughable. Examining the recent tragedy in College Park, some say the fact this killer was diagnosed with a mental illness means he should have been subjected to a background check, and subsequently should not have legally been allowed to purchase a gun. But, Dr. Loh, answer this: why should our constitutional rights suffer for society’s inadequacies?

Regarding shooter Dayvon Maurice Green, where were the mental health services? We, the pro-gun lobby/only objective observers say Maryland’s mental health facilities are to blame. This man had a mental illness, and no one bothered to cure it. It’s almost as if your school’s mental health program isn’t already run by the top students in the country.

No, Dr. Loh, guns are not the problem! They are the solution. Violence is a terrible problem in College Park.  Just last week, students responded to a sporting victory with a terrible riot. An entire light pole was downed. Imagine how much safer that riot could have been if every single student was legally armed that night.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during the post Duke-upset riots.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during last week’s post Duke-upset riots.

Seniors and juniors at the University of Maryland may well remember the incident that led to the closing of this publication’s namesake, the Thirsty Turtle bar, in November 2010. Three men were stabbed by a fourth, after the continuation of an altercation that had begun in the bar.  Wallace Loh, just a few days into your term, violence plagued your city.  Perhaps your war on guns wasn’t such a good idea.

Now, if those three victims had guns, they wouldn’t have been stabbed, plain and simple. And perhaps, if the perpetrator had been armed, the three victims wouldn’t have originally attempted to gang up on him in the first place. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make sense. It’s a mess, plainly one only guns could have cleaned up, but Dr. Loh, you just seem to have it out for our rights!

Why, Dr. Loh, are firearms singled out when knives are clearly a more common weapon? In the wake of this incident, why weren’t people talking about banning knives? And don’t say it’s because nobody died – that argument has been done to death. Violence is bad no matter what and the only way to stop it is with more guns.

A much more realistic solution to the violence in College Park nightlife is to arm the bouncers. R.J. Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer wouldn’t have had to assault an air force veteran and ruin his own career if he was armed from the start. Surely, the impossibly drunk victim would have cowered and walked away after being ejected from the bar by an armed Plummer. Wallace Loh, with a doctorate in psychology, the expert on alcohol consumption, even you could acknowledge this.

Armed bouncers, however, are not enough. The campus must be secured.

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

We need armed guards outside every building in College Park. And to those nay-sayers who say we don’t have the manpower, what about Maryland’s 6.6% unemployment rate? There are loads of people doing absolutely nothing in Hyattsville. Let’s give them guns and station them throughout College Park on Saturday nights. That’ll keep us safe.

But in the end, nothing is perfect. Demons will always slip through the cracks, and tragedy will return to College Park. Now and then, innocents will die; it’s the cost of freedom. As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” It doesn’t matter if he was referring to something completely different. It suits our argument to use his quote out of context; just like it suits gun owners to use their assault rifles out of context when they use them to go hunting. Checkmate.

The point is, Dr. Loh, do not let the occasional misfortune drag you into irrational behavior. Death is tragic, but there is greater tragedy: Spending a half-hour studying the Second Amendment and the proposed laws to realize our rights aren’t actually being infringed. AUX ARMES!

The National Rifle Association is the primary lobby of the firearms industry in the United States. They can be reached in the seventh layer of Hell, or at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here.

Last year, the State of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.

The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.

Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.

The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face?  Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?

(this video is actually two minutes):

The newest $30,000 grant has instead been chalked up to technology upgrades, which the department has said they could not have afforded on their own. It begs the question – why did they return the money they had the year before? Are they perhaps more honest and virtuous than the slimy, libelous Thirsty Turtle Times has alleged?

Or have they finally overheard the grumblings of the student body, that resources are being wasted?

Seriously, they might have. They may even be working against the grain.

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

Don’t be fooled by the tweaks in state regulations – which now assert a criminal citation can be written for minor crimes like trespassing, disturbing the peace, or marijuana possession, in place of an actual arrest.  These are passed off as “beneficial to everyone” since students can avoid incarceration. But anyone who’s been through the legal system knows it’s not the arrest that hurts, it’s the extra ink on your background check.

These crimes are no less illegal, and no less punishable. The penalties for these criminal offenses are now actually easier to administer. A police officer who doesn’t have to take you to jail and book you after compromising your future can just move on to the next one, and bust dozens of kids in a given night instead of two or three.

Does that mean he will? We don’t know. Because while the state appears deadset to continue the oppression of students, the police are showing signs of evolution.

They are actually focusing their efforts on fighting real crime, pursuing necessary technologies to make the campus safer, and returning surpluses when the only other option is wasting it on an unjust cause.

Whether they acknowledge that the cause of oppressing student rights is unjust, or just believe it to be fruitless, remains to be seen.

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You May Have Noticed That You’ve Noticed Nothing

Hello chaps,

We at the Thirsty Turtle Times would like to apologize for our long delay in producing the awesomeness you expect from us. Clearly we are strained at the moment, as our Editor-in-Chief is spending a semester abroad. Evidently, he felt that mounting and/or Tebowing every monument in Europe was more important than his sworn duties as chief.

Unfortunately we do not possess the cash, power or political capital to overthrow him. We may not need to, however. He has informed us that he has observed “promising signs of a Blastoise in my travels, and I will return only upon the back of the almighty beast, christened in the Notre Dame de Paris as Blastudo.”

Any day now.

______________________

The Thirsty Turtle Times is looking for writers to help fill the void until our EIC catches Blastudo. To apply, email us at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com.

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Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues.  Many people took offense to what they perceived to be slanderous hate speech by the advertisement, and the school’s Student Government Association went so far as to condemn the paper.

At the Thirsty Turtle Times, “standards” are like business at the Barking Dog – nonexistent. Since day one, our “About” page has told the truth – that like our namesake, we will admit anything with a pulse.

And so, the Thirsty Turtle Times is proud to print the original advertisement by FLAME, uncut, which the Diamondback deemed to “inflammatory” to publish. Enjoy!

Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

The time has come for the United States to move on from its forced “friendship” with the Arab people. The Arabs are Monsters. They are demon spawn, and their hate, their incompatibility with democracy, and their desire to murder Jews is in their blood.

We have a series of expectations as a unified group of proud Zionists. This is the first request we must raise and do: that our people be free, that these Arab chains that bind us be burst asunder, that Israel be once again captain of her soul and master of her destinies, together with all those who want to join the only democracy in the Middle East, not counting Lebanon, Turkey, Tunisia or Libya. They don’t count; they’re Arab.

And the fulfillment of this first demand will then open up the way for all the other ‘reforms’ that are so necessary.  And here is one thing that perhaps distinguishes us from you as far as our program is concerned, although it is very much in the spirit of things: our attitude to the Arab problem.

For us, this is not a problem you can turn a blind eye to – one to be solved by small concessions from either side, be they settlement stoppages, “land” or “civil liberties.”  For FLAME, it is a problem of whether our nation of Israel can ever recover its health, whether the Muslim spirit can ever really be eradicated.

If only one society, for whatever reason, tolerates a Muslim family in it, that family will become the germ center for fresh sedition. If one little Arab boy survives with no Mosque or Madrasah, without any Jihadist training, Islamo-fascism is still in his soul. Even if there had never been a Mosque or a Madrasah or a Koran, the Islamist spirit would still exist and exert its influence. It has been there from the beginning and there is no Arab, not a single one, who does not personify it.

Don’t be misled into thinking you can fight a disease without killing the carrier, without destroying the bacillus.  Don’t think you can fight racial tuberculosis without taking care to rid the nation of the carrier of that racial tuberculosis.  This Arab contamination will not subside, this poisoning of the nation will not end, until the carrier himself, the Arab, has been banished from our midst.

Do what is right. Support the Israeli people in their quest for peace, by letting them know they are wrong to support Palestinian statehood. Help FLAME convince the U.S. government squash these dangerous Islamist/Jihadist uprisings in Syria, Yemen, Egypt, Libya, and more – which were clearly planned by Osama Bin Laden and ACORN, aimed at toppling peace-loving dictators in favor of something intolerable – Arab democracy. Remember, the security and peace of Israeli Jews is far more important than peace, freedom, justice, and economic opportunity for over a billion Arabs. The Arabs are a monstrous collection of devil’s advocacy; they are the antithesis of civilized man. They must be exterminated.

This has been an Advertisement by FLAME, minus the written words or implied exchange of money. Das Fuhrer contributed to this report.

Feedback: thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Remember Turtle

Go hard tonight, but save a minute of silence for the Thirsty Turtle, our wonderful namesake which closed down one year ago today.

The Thirsty Turtle opened in November 2007, replacing many businesses that had shuttered there in the past. Owing to an unusually large retail space in the notoriously poor business environment of College Park, businesses struggled to survive at the location in the past. Turtle was different.

They innovated. And they lived.

Within a matter of months, the Thirsty Turtle became known as an underage watering hole. While the bar officially carded all patrons, the standards were notoriously lax. Many students described the pitiful quality of the fake I.D.s they used to gain entry, and in September and October of 2010, undercover cadets of the University of Maryland Police Department successfully gained entry to the bars using their real, underage I.D.s

Beyond becoming the mecca of teenage euphoria, Turtle became a cultural touchstone of the University of Maryland. To this editor, it represented the face of a D1 party school, six months before transferring to UMD.

The Thirsty Turtle was forced to surrender its liquor license in November 2010, following a stabbing incident that involved several of its patrons. The political pressure the bar faced was insurmountable, and College Park lost yet another local business.

To them, it was a bar and a “problem.” To us, it was home.

LONG LIVE TURTLE

Long Live Turtle.

Yours truly,

Editor-in-Chief

FAKE WALLACE LOH: The Lohpression of Evil

Comrades,

Dr. Wallace D. Loh

I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.

Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.

But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.

They had taken our wonderful boy! Shocked his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!

But there’s hope.

Most glorious Army of the Republic, the officers of the University of Maryland Police Department, who will stop at nothing to eradicate this terrible scourge upon our happy home, have recently been authorized by me to slaughter the enemy with total impunity.

My fearless policemen bravely fired upon Thomas as he attempted to poison helpless Timmy. Thomas was killed, but poor Timmy was caught in the crossfire. He did not make it. We will make him a martyr of our glorious pursuit of cleansing our streets of this disgusting poison. And remember, the important thing is that we killed Thomas.

The precious, sweet, innocent children wander through the streets, lost and confused, hoodwinked and delirious. The fumes of hellfires roast their brains like hot sirloin. The demon spirits drown our young boys and girls in darkness and delirium.

Yes, those terrible, monstrous, horrific demon spirits! How dare they poison the innocent? They chant that it is the way – that they are entitled to their right to imbibe the swill of Satan. But what is personal when there are victims? The perpetrator may BE the victim, but their actions go against the state, and as we know, the state is the highest moral torchbearer of our society.

I will prioritize this holy cause – sports, health, safety and societal functionality are luxuries we can’t afford right now. Rest assured, I will stop at nothing. We will never quit, until the great scourge of underage drinking is purged from our streets, now and forever!

Because through the heart of evil pumps not blood, but bourbon straight. And the devil’s elixir will have no place in Wallace Loh’s College Park!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdvUR67nZs0&w=420&h=315]

____________________________________________

Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010. Fake Wallace Loh, his unofficial alter-ego, began tweeting on March 31st, 2011 (@fakewallaceloh), and can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

The Thirsty Turtle Times Wants YOU

Editor’s note: This is a reprint. The original version of this post was published on June 25th, 2011.

Greetings.

The Thirsty Turtle times is caught in a furious struggle for humanity.

We fight for the truth. We fight for you.

We’ve noticed you stopping by, paying heed to our burgeoning creation. Your loyal adherence warms our hearts. We regret that we must now ask more of you (NOT money).

We Want YOU

No, nothing we have printed is true. Nor is anything we will print in the future. But that doesn’t nullify our glorious cause. Our pursuit is not literal truth or ethical journalism.

Truth itself is not a written reality. It is a molding, shape shifting, supernatural force. It is, simply, something that is easier felt than said, and it is subject to its context. It rides strong on the back of humor.

A fan of the Triple T is a fan of intellect. They read between the lines. They see the magical presentation of literary circus. We are brand new, and our fanbase is growing. Like they trust in our pursuit of truth, we trust in their faith, and we know they will continue to swell. The Thirsty Turtles will breed.

If this sounds like your kind of battle, the time has come for action. The Thirsty Turtle Times is recruiting soldiers.

The Pen is indeed mightier than the sword – writing ability is a must.

If you would like to write for the Thirsty Turtle Times, please contact us at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

We can also be reached on Twitter @ThirstyTimes or on Facebook at The Thirsty Turtle Times.