University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week. The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more … Continue reading

Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus. The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. … Continue reading

JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has finally received an intervention.  Officials say this was a long time coming. Maryland students received an email at about 9:15 PM on Monday, January 16, alerting them of a … Continue reading

UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow. “It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s … Continue reading

Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester. The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and … Continue reading

Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey. They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact. “North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one … Continue reading

Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues.  Many people took offense to what … Continue reading

Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story. In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving … Continue reading

Story of Bentley’s Hippo Unveiled

This past August, the College Park community was shocked to discover that a dead hippopotamus had been uncovered underneath the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Originally a mystery, The Thirsty Turtle Times has uncovered the true story through a variety of sources, public and private. In June of 1928, … Continue reading