Category Archives: “News”

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

“I was just reading my copy of The Engineering Magazine, when that guy in sunglasses and a muscle shirt came in and asked about his ‘30 Natural Light’ or something,” recounted Elmira Banks, one of McKeldin Library’s front desk staffers, seeming bewildered. “I told him no, we have electric lighting, and he got angry so I went to my boss.”

David Allen, the director of DOTS, was at the time filling in as staff manager for McKeldin. He heard the words natural light, and reportedly began screaming.

“HE WANTS TO RIP OPEN THE WALLS AND CEILING, IT’S A BOMB!” he was heard to shout over the radio to the University of Maryland Police Department’s officer stationed in the library at the time.

The officer listened raptly, and calmly reassured Mr. Allen.  “No no no,” he said. “Natural Light is beer. The students drink it at.. parties…”

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

He sputtered. “OH GOD I NEED BACKUP,” he roared into his radio. “GET EVERYONE DOWN HERE NOW!”

Within five minutes, every emergency vehicle in Prince George’s County was outside McKeldin Library.  Though the library was evacuated, no message was issued through UMD Alerts, leading to some student dissatisfaction.

“We had a moral obligation to prevent students from approaching unopened alcoholic beverages” said an officer on site. “Staying calm is not as important as staying sober.”

K-9 units (bomb-sniffing dogs), which had been in training for some few weeks before the incident, were on scene with the UMPD.  Unfortunately they had practiced hunting down beers so often, always finishing by chewing them open and consuming their contents, they were still inebriated, and were mostly useless.  Yet they didn’t prove necessary.

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

After the evacuation and four-hour search, the school had lost some $10,000 of misplaced or stolen equipment, an estimated $1,000 spent on emergency services, and students had forgone a night of studying for finals.

From their search of McKeldin Library the police uncovered and confiscated 797 Natural Light beers, 36 bottles of varying hard liquors, 25 different bags, containers, joints, blunts or spliffs of marijuana, four strippers, two bottles of absinthe, and an injection-ready horse tranquilizer.

The original unknown suspect is still at large, though students are advised to keep their eyes out for a “white male aged 18-22, who likes Natural Light beer.”

Later reached over the phone for comment, an unspecified officer at the UMPD station said “EEEEEEGHHHHEWAAAAHAAAAGHFHGOTERPSUFHGHFUGHFOHA.”

You deserve it, boys.

Thanks to those who keep us safe. To reach the losers who always make fun of them, email thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

“The corn shortage brought on a good hard fay-mine.  Daddy said our struggles were cuza those fy-nan-seers in New York City,” said Studley, speaking outside New York City Criminal Court on Monday morning, ignoring his court-assigned lawyer’s advice that he stop talking.

“So logicallism sujest they turned hundereds of corns into one big un and put it right der!  THEY TOOK ER CORN!” he continued.

“Whos diss booknerd who wont stop boderin me?” Studley added as his lawyer fell over trying to push him off the court steps.

Hawkeye fans in Iowa City supporting Studley during his arraignment:

Minutes after scaling, evaluating, and finally taking a shucking knife to the building, Studley was arrested by FBI agents.  This comes just two weeks after dozens of University of Maryland students were arrested for rioting in New York in the wake of UMD’s Atlantic Coast Conference Tournament upset of Duke University.

peter king on islam

Rep. Peter King (R, NY) declaring “government cash” and “muslim students” should be mutually exclusive options for public universities.

“It is clear that Islamo-socialism is reborn in America” said congressman Peter King (R, NY) on ABC News last night.  “And these public universities are the hotbeds.”

The CIA has reportedly taken University of Maryland President Wallace Loh into questioning, owing to his affiliations with both UMD and the University of Iowa, where he used to be provost.  Sources from inside the CIA (and we have loads of them) suggest Loh has been identified as the center of a massive international conspiracy.  We’ll have more on that soon.

“At least dey gonna be corn dis year!” said Studley later on Monday, driving a wobbly Hawkeye team RV out of the Staten Island Hurricane Sandy Relief Shelter.

To be continued…

Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign

“That thing isn’t even up straight anymore!” yelled Trey, referring to the sign. “Yeah,” added Tyler. “It looks like Mason Plumlee going for a rebound.”

Students in New Jersey took to the streets of their various hometowns, flooding market squares and pouring out of bars and clubs.  Fights broke out across the state, from Teaneck to Cherry Hill, allegedly begun as a result of the game.

“Interesting that they chose college basketball as their excuse this time,” said Lieutenant Peter Costello of the New Jersey State Police. “They must have really cared about that game.”

In Baltimore, several Maryland students attempted to riot in the North Avenue/Belair Road part of town. Of the school’s Baltimore residents who returned to College Park, the few who have been seen in public have often been moving frantically, carrying schoolbooks, always in tears.  All who were asked have refused to comment on what happened.

A sizeable chunk of Maryland students spent their hard-earned savings on a trip to Panama City, Florida.  They watched the game, celebrated outside all night, had an awesome time and you hate them.

In New York, Maryland students crowded into several designated bars across The Bronx, Manhattan, and Brooklyn, and all successfully congregated at The Charging Bull following the game.  Their tweets, Facebook posts, and other social media boasts of their plans were intercepted by the CIA.

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students' attempts to riot in New York City

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students’ attempts to riot in New York City

Special ops were on scene in minutes.  Several students were killed by unmanned drones.  Several more were captured, and have reportedly been sent to the federal detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Rep. Peter King (R, NY), and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D, NY) sparred on CNN as to the legality of the killings and incarcerations.

“These kids should have been given a fair tri – uhhh, I think President Obama is a trustworthy man. This must be a Republican’s fault,” said Sen. Gillibrand, blinking every syllable.

“Don’t believe the Ayatollah’s lies. We will not negotiate with terrorists! Hats off to the entire ladder of law enforcement here, from the ground guys right to the top man not appointed by the president,” said Rep. King without blinking.

Meanwhile in Boston, UMD students were buried under another snowstorm.  It was the only city where a bonfire was considered the cool way to celebrate.

Pelican in oil

TTT’s New Orleans Correspondent

Meanwhile, in New Orleans, many vacationing Maryland fans were out on the streets following the game, but it’s unclear what they were celebrating.  Information is of course hazy, as the Thirsty Turtle Times correspondent on sight reports he was “blacked out like a pelican in the Gulf of Mexico.” Reportedly, however, New Orleans was the only celebration where the common “Show your tits!” chant actually found any success.

University of Maryland students also took to the seas, as many joined a discount Carnivale Cruiseline ship from Tampa, Florida, through the Caribbean and back. None of those students saw or followed the game, however, as the ship’s power went out and it was out of range of any cellular service.  The students rioted anyway, as soon as the ship ran out of toilet paper and buckets.

And despite all the celebrations, despite Maryland’s ensuing loss to North Carolina in the ACC semifinals, there’s still plenty of energy left in Terpnation.

“We’re going crazy if they win the NIT,” added Trey from Columbia.  “Like, I’m talking pulling out my mom’s flowers crazy.”

Ethan Diamond and Mother Nature contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMD Ravens Fans Can’t Decide Between Successful Futures, Violent Rioting

COLLEGE PARK – Sunday night was a night torn for many University of Maryland Ravens fans. They were conflicted, simply unable to decide between inducing mayhem to celebrate their team’s Super Bowl victory, or having a clean record and a chance for a successful future.

Ravens undecided“Hardest decision of my life!” vented Ravens fanatic Zach Bolstine, a UMD senior finance major. “I mean, I just got a job with Capital One Bank starting in July, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I don’t put a trash can through their window right now.”

The Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers in a thrilling 34-31 Super Bowl on Sunday. The University of Maryland’s large Ravens fanbase celebrated rather peacefully on Sunday, avoiding destruction and chaos. Students this year were unable, or unwilling, to block Route One for more than a couple traffic lights, and for some, it was a burden too great to bear.

“Just terrible” ranted Bolstine. “Where’s the blood? Where’s the beatdown on CNN?”

Students struggled with their conflicting feelings, weighing immeasurable chaos against their hopes and dreams.  Some envied the disorder of the riots of March 4th, 2010, when Maryland men’s basketball upset then 4th-ranked Duke.

“Everyone was a fan of the basketball team,” said Bolstine. “most of UMD isn’t Ravens fans, so the responsibility for anarchy falls on fewer of us.”

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Students also remember two years ago, when US Navy Seals took out Osama Bin Laden on May 1st, 2011. The ensuing celebration in College Park was considered very orderly, as there was only one arrest and students largely complied with police shepherding.

“At least we harmed society though,” said Bemma Maha, a recent UMD graduate who watched the Super Bowl with his fellow Ravens fans at Cornerstone Grill and Loft, of the Bin Laden death celebrations. “We blocked Route One for hours, think about how much economic activity that disrupted!”

Maha recently was hired for his dream job as a fashion promoter in New York City, but said he was hoping to get arrested assaulting a police officer on Route One.

“I won’t do it if it won’t ignite greater bedlam” he spat bitterly, after observation the sparse, peaceful crowd. There were no disturbances, no violence, and no arrests.

Ravens fans became increasingly conflicted upon hearing word that students at Towson University in Towson, Maryland were rioting without restraint.

“It’s not fair,” complained Bolstine. “Those kids from Towson never had futures to lose in the first place.”

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Psychotic Ray Lewis contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge.

Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he noticed a surprise.

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night.

“They didn’t charge me for my side of mashed potatoes!” she explained the following morning from what remained of her apartment. In fact, the dining hall’s cash registers encountered a glitch, and nullified every mashed potato purchase for about a minute.

What followed next was totally called for, as students from inside and out flooded the open space beyond the registers, screaming and celebrating. Security had anticipated the rush, and escorted the cashiers through the crowd to the kitchens, with students reaching over to pat their backs enthusiastically.

“Who knows what’s next?” yelled one student, throwing mustard packets into the sky. “Maybe mac and cheese, maybe soda, maybe we’ll even get whole meals for free!”

As students wiped tears from their eyes, their chanting replaced by occasional bursts of pure emotion, one particularly pale and sweaty student let out a gutteral roar: “BENTLEY’S!”

The mashed potatoes weren't even that good, apparently.

The mashed potatoes weren’t even that good, apparently.

There followed a mass exodus, but alas, the many thousands of students could not fit into RJ Bentley’s Filling Station. Instead they flooded the streets of College Park, tossing trashcans, downing signs, climbing buildings and rocking vehicles.

“WAAAAAAHHHHUUUUGHAAAARARARAAAAAA” Krebbs said thoughtfully from the top of Ratsie’s.  Several students followed her up the walls, and together they tore down whatever that weird collage thing is on the side of Barking Dog.

The rioting went well into the night, drawing the National Guard into College Park and prompting an address from President Obama. The siege was lifted by 7:00 AM this morning, by which time College Park laid largely in ruins.

“The worst part,” added Krebbs the next morning, sifting through the rubble of College Park and UMD’s fanbase credibility, “is the mashed potatoes suck anyway.”

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Ray Lewis’s Angst contributed to this report. It can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com.

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Maryland Moving to the AFC North

COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.

UMD is moving to the AFC North

UMD is moving to the AFC North

The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”

The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”

“That was all I had to hear,” said Loh, who says he then hung up and immediately called back Goodell, ecstatic to provide his relatively new basketball coach, Mark Turgeon, with as winnable an environment as possible.

After learning of the imminent move, Turgeon reportedly called Loh on an hourly basis for four straight days, but Loh ignored the calls.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

“We didn’t want to give the game away too quick,” said Loh. “Confrontation can be awkward. Just look at the fans!”

Indeed, upon hearing that the Terps would join the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC North, College Park reacted as it normally does, with a huge and unnecessary fire. Students gathered on the Chapel Fields to burn either their Terrapin or Ravens gear, choosing sides between teams many of them long adored side-by-side.

“Torrey Smith is so good,” said Dash Braha of the former Terp and current Raven, as he tossed his Maryland hats and shirts into the blaze. “With Joe Flacco throwing to him, that second half Terp defense will be shredded! I know Flacco can compete with any quarterback in the league!”

“FLACCO SUCKS!” ranted Michael Ervin, an avid Terps fan, as he burned his Ravens gear in earnest. “He’ll NEVER win ANYTHING!”

When asked of Smith, Ervin shrugged, muttered, “Classy guy,” and walked home.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Randy Edsall’s only comment on Maryland’s big move was how it would benefit the teams bereft quarterback situation. Maryland lost four quarterbacks to season ending injuries this year, and Devin Burns has recently announced a transfer.

“It is our conclusion that only a man of holy stature can crack this apparent curse we have today,” Edsall stated. Anderson quickly translated the Edsallian.

“He intends to trade for Tim Tebow,” said Anderson. “Another financial benefit of UMD’s relocation.”

“Overall this will benefit Maryland in the long run,” said Loh, tagging an NFL lapel pin to his coat. “Hopefully we’ll ascend to the upper echelons of NFL commiss- I mean polit- I mean, rankings.” Loh paused. “Whatever. At least we’re not in the Big East,” he said, as he and Anderson walked off, laughing and high fiving.

Randy Marsh contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!!

NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc

Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney Victory

BOSTON/CHICAGO – It was a night to remember for Mitt Romney/Barack Obama, whose second bid for the presidency proved successful at last. After a long, bitter, and expensive campaign, Romney/Obama and his supporters finally had a night to celebrate.

“Tonight, we mark true change/take a great step forward for America!” boasted Romney/Obama in his victory speech. “Tonight, we turn to America’s better future, with an eye on compromise, and hearts on our common purpose!”

Obama/Romney celebrates his victory with a speech on November 6th

Romney/Obama’s supporters were overflowing with emotion, celebrating in city streets from Salt Lake City/San Francisco to Boston/Boston.

Citizens flooded Boston Common/Grant Park to hear Romney/Obama’s acceptance speech, many weeping openly.

“This is the greatest day of my life! We are saved!” bellowed a Pastor from Charlestown, West Virginia/Editor from Baltimore. “Finally, my country made the right choice again!”

On CNN/Fox News, James Carville/Sean Hannity insisted, “The world is blessed tonight. We just bought ourselves four years of life, and put ourselves back on track to become that shining city on a hill once again. The apocalyptic end of America will be averted.”

In Chicago/Boston, it was a starkly different night for Barack Obama/Mitt Romney. His speech was a somber one, reassuring his similarly weeping supporters, “America has chosen, and now is the time to come together to support our President.” Several supporters appeared to have loud, shouting mental breakdowns during the speech, and had to be physically removed and mentally evaluated at nearby hospitals.

In some cases, riots broke out, as Obama/Romney supporters reacted with immediate panic to their candidate’s defeat.

“I hate this country/liberals!” stammered one Obama/Romney supporter in Chicago/Boston. “They’re ruining the planet/country!”

Another supporter seemed even bleaker. “The world is ending on December 21st, guaranteed,” she said. “We’re going to need a revolution or something. We just can’t have this.”

Indeed, the Secret Service has already taken preemptive action to stop numerous threats against the President(-elect), though virtually every threat turned out to be an angry eighth grader in his garage/actual large militia with guns and racism.

The most common complaints were widespread accusations of voter fraud in Ohio, Florida, and Colorado.

“Stealing elections is becoming the go-to strategy of the Democratic/Republican party,” said Karl Rove on Fox News/Al Sharpton on MSNBC. “How can we respect our President when he just stole four years of office, four years of American prosperity?”

Social networking was ablaze, as Twitter once again smashed its own record with over 20 million tweets in a two-hour period from 10:00 PM to midnight. Obama and Romney’s names topped the trending list, followed by the trend “I’m moving to Canada,” as a large number of Obama/Romney supporters professed that they would relocate to America’s northern neighbor to escape the Romney/Obama presidency.

(Note to Editor – pick one paragraph):

1/2: Republicans scoffed at this sentiment, as conservatives across Twitter responded with a barrage of various insults, from “America-haters” and traitors” to “Communists” and “Terrorists.” Even Ann Coulter chimed in: “Liberals running to their salons in Montreal… GOOD RIDDANCE!” she tweeted.

The scene outside Romney/Obama campaign headquarters post-defeat

2/2: Democrats scoffed at the sentiment, belittling the despondent Romney supporters with a barrage of arrogant and condescending reality checks. “Canada is way more socialist than America,” read several identical tweets. Even Van Jones, briefly Obama’s green jobs czar, chimed in. “Enjoy the free healthcare!” he responded via Twitter to one conservative who said he’d already bought a house in Manitoba.

Other immediate changes were evident. Gun sales have skyrocketed/plummeted, as Obama’s reelection/defeat has reaffirmed/stifled the fears of gun owners that he would push for more stringent gun control, despite his never moving to legislate on firearms in the United States.

Pundits across the board began talking about the 2016 election, where Romney is expected to seek the office (yet) again. Martin O’Malley launched an exploratory committee, and began plugging the Ohio market with television ads attacking Romney, and Vice President-elect/Congressman Ryan.

“I think Bloomberg/O’Malley has it wrapped up here,” said CNN contributor John King. His response to the hurricane/stunning hairline is an insurmountable advantage!”

On Fox News, Greg Gutfeld had a different thought. “I don’t see how Chris Christie can lose the 2016 election at this point. No other possible scenario.”

By two in the morning, gold had hit $3,000/$5 per ounce, bomb proof bunker lodging had sold out/been abandoned and used for storage for illegal immigrants, and several million Facebook friendships had ended. Indeed, it was an historic night.

Meanwhile, workers continued to work, the wind continued to blow, teachers continued to teach, and the sun continued to rise. The world didn’t end. And neither did America.

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Doc Brown contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Bentley’s Finally Stops Smelling After Bouncer’s Arrest

Prince George’s County Police Arriving to Arrest Marcus Plummer.

COLLEGE PARK: Many thought it was all over last year, when a hippopotamus was removed from the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station in College Park. The horrible stenches the established bar was known for never ceased, and the mystery continued.

Until now.

Last month, Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer, 28, was arrested and charged with first and second degree assault and reckless endangerment for beating a patron outside the establishment. The rowdy, drunk customer attempted to reenter the bar after being escorted out, shouting, “I NEED TO SING THIS LINE HEYYYY MAMA ROCK ME.”

Plummer stopped him with punishing force, and hasn’t been to Bentley’s since. And a new dawn has come to the old saloon.

Indeed, R.J. Bentley’s legendary stench has finally vanished, after some 80 years of infestation.

“Theses guys have a physical job that demands a lot of sweat, toil, and most of all, focus,” said John Brown, Bentley’s owner. “They’re so enveloped in their jobs, they occasionally forget to shower or be polite.”

The famous College Park bar, frequently mentioned on ESPN specials in what is clearly not a deal arranged with sexual favors, has a new aroma. It has been variously described as “rosy,” “cinnamony,” and “like Jesus farted.”

Plummer’s case is ongoing. Rumors that Prince George’s County Jail has had to fumigated, however, remain unconfirmed.

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Mike Wazowski contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China (known simply as China), which drew the most attention. The reclusive, autocratic state visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

China revoked Loh’s citizenship (which expired 30 years ago) and declared that he no longer exists.  China also terminated their partnerships established with College Park on Loh’s trip to China with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley last year, which turned out to be a prisoner exchange program.

“Fuck Wallace Loh!” – Yang Jiechi

Seven students charged with underage drinking in College Park are already on their way home from Pingyao Prison in China, while the University of Maryland is returning several dissidents to China who were accused of smiling too much and reading the Thirsty Turtle Times.

China also rebuked The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, for suggesting Loh’s trips to Taiwan and China were “similar,” in an article last week.

“China is happy and glorious. Taiwan is the cradle of evil,” Jiechi explained to a Diamondback reporter over the phone. “It would be like someone comparing your University of Maryland to UMUC.”

Loh could not be reached for comment, although Taiwan has currently blocked all communications as part of a “routine-being-bombed-by-China-exercise.”

It appears only one major figure was pleased with Loh’s visit to Taiwan.

“Me so excited!” said Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in broken English. “Dad telled me about days like this! We able to use agents for kidnap for make glorious University of Pyongyang! No more student have one smuggled beer in 1976!”

Loh returns Monday, hopefully.

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████████ ████ contributed to this report. He or she can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

Indeed, it has been a long road to this point. Going back to its founding more than thirty years ago, researchers have been unable to confirm that the UMPD has ever made the right decision before. University officials are planning a parade to commemorate the achievement.

“Ever since it was created to control student rioting during the early seventies’ nationwide student rebellion, [the UMPD] has made a strong tradition out of failure, incompetence, corruption, and misprioritizing,” explained UMPD spokesman Captain Marc Limansky. “Since day one, we have followed the mantra that if you just reduce the drinking, every other problem would go away.”

Chief Mitchell agreed with this assessment. “Personally, I think it has put a significant dent in Global Warming,” he said.

UMPD announcing they successfully completed operation "We are capable of stuff."

But one night, allegations rose that a student with a strong GPA and little-to-no evidence of drug or alcohol use had threatened the school with a massive shooting spree via comments on Facebook and Reddit. Legend has it that Lt. Philip Tou’s brain immediately exploded upon hearing the news.

“We had this crazy idea that if, for one night, we took one unit off alcohol enforcement and actually monitored ethereal threats, maybe we wouldn’t fail at everything we did,” explained Limansky. “Personally, I still have my doubts.”

Alexander Song, the suspect alleged to have threatened the shooting spree, was arrested that night. Officers administered several dozen BAC tests, but he was sober.

“It was weird,” said Mitchell. “We even joked that, from now on, we’d maintain this protocol, of – get this – preventing violent crime instead of alcohol enforcement,” he said, laughing. “Oh, the jokes we have down at the station!”

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Rufus Scrimgeour contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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