Author Archives: fake wallace loh

About fake wallace loh

Founded on March 31st, 2011 by Gregory Nasif, Fake Wallace Loh, based on Twitter (@fakewallaceloh) is the alternated parodical personality to Wallace D. Loh, President of the University of Maryland.

FAKE WALLACE LOH: The Lohpression of Evil

Comrades,

Dr. Wallace D. Loh

I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.

Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.

But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.

They had taken our wonderful boy! Shocked his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!

But there’s hope.

Most glorious Army of the Republic, the officers of the University of Maryland Police Department, who will stop at nothing to eradicate this terrible scourge upon our happy home, have recently been authorized by me to slaughter the enemy with total impunity.

My fearless policemen bravely fired upon Thomas as he attempted to poison helpless Timmy. Thomas was killed, but poor Timmy was caught in the crossfire. He did not make it. We will make him a martyr of our glorious pursuit of cleansing our streets of this disgusting poison. And remember, the important thing is that we killed Thomas.

The precious, sweet, innocent children wander through the streets, lost and confused, hoodwinked and delirious. The fumes of hellfires roast their brains like hot sirloin. The demon spirits drown our young boys and girls in darkness and delirium.

Yes, those terrible, monstrous, horrific demon spirits! How dare they poison the innocent? They chant that it is the way – that they are entitled to their right to imbibe the swill of Satan. But what is personal when there are victims? The perpetrator may BE the victim, but their actions go against the state, and as we know, the state is the highest moral torchbearer of our society.

I will prioritize this holy cause – sports, health, safety and societal functionality are luxuries we can’t afford right now. Rest assured, I will stop at nothing. We will never quit, until the great scourge of underage drinking is purged from our streets, now and forever!

Because through the heart of evil pumps not blood, but bourbon straight. And the devil’s elixir will have no place in Wallace Loh’s College Park!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdvUR67nZs0&w=420&h=315]

____________________________________________

Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010. Fake Wallace Loh, his unofficial alter-ego, began tweeting on March 31st, 2011 (@fakewallaceloh), and can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

Wallace Loh 2012

Like the Thirsty Turtle Times itself, I will keep it realer than reality.  This campaign will be as genuine as it could possibly be without violating Federal Election law.  And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea where that line is.

My positions are certainly beyond reality:

  • I will absolutely repeal Obamacare – not because it’s unconstitutional or bad policy, but because together, we will work to screw over as many students as possible.
  • My foreign policy will be as simple as possible, because as we all know, complex questions have simple answers.  So I will smile at everybody, and of course, I will gargle Israel’s testicles.  World problems solved.  No questions.
  • The government needs to save money. So, I propose that we abolish several agencies – the Department of Commerce, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Consumer Protection Agency, for starters.  We will replace those agencies with Daycon services, which will take over all governmental responsibility pertaining to corporate integrity.  I’ll funnel them a $10 billion budget – far cheaper than all those soon-to-be-former agencies, but enough to make Daycon rich.  Why? Because I fucking hate those drop-Daycon assholes, and I hope you do too.
  • Judges will be allowed to have whatever opinions they want, as long as those opinions are the same as mine.
  • Speaking of judicial matters, I am a big supporter of the Lay and Gesbian community.  They deserve equality, but I’ll never get the Republican nomination if I support corrupting marriage.  So I propose we ban marriage entirely.  Nobody happy, everybody wins.
  • I would have supported raising the debt ceiling, because I’m not THAT batshit crazy.  However, I only really believe that so we can keep giving money to China. I am somewhat crazy.

I may be Fake Wallace Loh, but damnit, I keep it pretty fucking real.  This campaign is true. I may be your university president, but together, we are the University of Maryland.  And we’re taking our Terps straight to the White House.

#Loh2012

P.S. Keep your eyes pealed for an op-ed from most glorious Vice Presidential Candidate Lee!

Dr. Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011.  He is a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America.

He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com

#LOH: My Proposal for UMD – The Best Masturbation Reference you’ve ever Heard

by Fake Wallace Loh

HELLOH STUDENTS!

Dr. Loh has a plan.

I have a proposal for all of you, and I wish for you to hear me out.  Without further ado:

Masturbation is a curious, ongoing marvel of the human experience.  It is not exclusively a human creation, but it is also not quite in line with natural sexual activity.  That’s not to criticize it; rather, it’s to put in context. Viewing sex as an act of pleasure as opposed to an act of necessity, acknowledging it as such, and proceeding with it as such, is a phenomenon of mankind – and an increasingly acceptable part of our society.  And thus, we have a fascination with it. We have built our culture around it, dancing ever closer to its mysterious center.

With that in mind, it’s time to make some societal adjustments.  I have always felt, and I’m sure you do too, that we simply do not have enough masturbation references out there.  Not enough cheesy rhyming metaphors, like the “five-knuckle-shuffle.” Not enough smut and nonsense, like “visiting Rosie Palm and her five daughters.” Not enough family-friendly lore tainted by permanent sexual connotations, like names of planets that sound like inappropriate body parts.

Masturbation is all about self. You are under complete control of your own sexual fiefdom. Your sexual organs are your center. It’s personalization at its finest.

But “self” doesn’t have to mean one person. It could be a collective self – like, for example, the United States.  Sexual satisfaction of a collective self, like the United States, would be an orgy of Americanization.  It would probably be something similar to the celebrations following the killing of Bin Laden, or if chili cheese dogs were served at Walmart. … which they are. I’m moving back to China.

But what of the U of MD? We have a lot to be proud of.  We are one of the most prestigious public schools in the country – a public Ivy – and we’re still rising.  We have the greatest university president in U.S. history – me.  We are at or near the precipice on several frontiers –Engineering, Astrophysics, and Business, to name a few (we even named our engineering building after my hero, Kim Jong-Il. A nod the Triple T on that scoop).  We are a hotspot for political stop-offs.  Even if we’re faced with an off year, we still have one of the stronger athletic programs in the nation.  Indeed, we deserve to self-satisfy.

So my question to you is, what do we satisfy? What is our sexual organ?  What – or who – is Maryland’s collective center? Answering that, how does the University of Maryland personalize itself? What’s our signature? What’s the rub to our Maryland mascot?

Piece that together, and answer me this:

How does a Terrapin Masturbate?

#Loh

Think twice next time you "Rub Testudo's Nose"

Dr. Wallace D. Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011. He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.