Author Archives: William Wallace

Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here.

Last year, the State of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.

The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.

Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.

The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face?  Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?

(this video is actually two minutes):

The newest $30,000 grant has instead been chalked up to technology upgrades, which the department has said they could not have afforded on their own. It begs the question – why did they return the money they had the year before? Are they perhaps more honest and virtuous than the slimy, libelous Thirsty Turtle Times has alleged?

Or have they finally overheard the grumblings of the student body, that resources are being wasted?

Seriously, they might have. They may even be working against the grain.

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

Don’t be fooled by the tweaks in state regulations – which now assert a criminal citation can be written for minor crimes like trespassing, disturbing the peace, or marijuana possession, in place of an actual arrest.  These are passed off as “beneficial to everyone” since students can avoid incarceration. But anyone who’s been through the legal system knows it’s not the arrest that hurts, it’s the extra ink on your background check.

These crimes are no less illegal, and no less punishable. The penalties for these criminal offenses are now actually easier to administer. A police officer who doesn’t have to take you to jail and book you after compromising your future can just move on to the next one, and bust dozens of kids in a given night instead of two or three.

Does that mean he will? We don’t know. Because while the state appears deadset to continue the oppression of students, the police are showing signs of evolution.

They are actually focusing their efforts on fighting real crime, pursuing necessary technologies to make the campus safer, and returning surpluses when the only other option is wasting it on an unjust cause.

Whether they acknowledge that the cause of oppressing student rights is unjust, or just believe it to be fruitless, remains to be seen.

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Remember Turtle

Go hard tonight, but save a minute of silence for the Thirsty Turtle, our wonderful namesake which closed down one year ago today.

The Thirsty Turtle opened in November 2007, replacing many businesses that had shuttered there in the past. Owing to an unusually large retail space in the notoriously poor business environment of College Park, businesses struggled to survive at the location in the past. Turtle was different.

They innovated. And they lived.

Within a matter of months, the Thirsty Turtle became known as an underage watering hole. While the bar officially carded all patrons, the standards were notoriously lax. Many students described the pitiful quality of the fake I.D.s they used to gain entry, and in September and October of 2010, undercover cadets of the University of Maryland Police Department successfully gained entry to the bars using their real, underage I.D.s

Beyond becoming the mecca of teenage euphoria, Turtle became a cultural touchstone of the University of Maryland. To this editor, it represented the face of a D1 party school, six months before transferring to UMD.

The Thirsty Turtle was forced to surrender its liquor license in November 2010, following a stabbing incident that involved several of its patrons. The political pressure the bar faced was insurmountable, and College Park lost yet another local business.

To them, it was a bar and a “problem.” To us, it was home.

LONG LIVE TURTLE

Long Live Turtle.

Yours truly,

Editor-in-Chief

Introducing Frank Mayo

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo.

When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes and sizes.” Frank is an old timer, despite his actual youth. His experiences in life render him the perfect candidate for the job I gave him, which will mostly be reviewing movies.  Frank graduated from Syrit College in 2005.

Frank is dedicated. He is ruthless. He is insane. He has no self-respect whatsoever.  Frank doesn’t have time to respect himself, because he’s too busy disrespecting every institution we hold dear.  Whether it’s the next movie from Friedberg and Seltzer, or his own sex life, there is no truth Frank is afraid to publically dismantle.

This is quite simply because the truth has already done all the evil it could possibly do to Frank.  He is miserable.  We’re not sure if he’s divorced, stuck in a hopeless marriage, utterly alone, dying, or what.  But I can tell you this: whichever one of those situations he’s in, Frank definitely wishes it were another one. Frank’s favorite weather is cold rain. He is an eternal pessimist, and there is quite simply no way the “truth” could get any worse for him.

So nothing is out of bounds.  Frank will tear down cities and burn down forests with his vociferous gavel of judgment.  He is bold. He is honest. He is… depressing.  Most of all, he is Frank.

Introducing Frank Mayo.

Frank Mayo’s first review will be published tomorrow. He can be reached at sniffthismuffdiver@yahoo.com

thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

2011 Thirsty Turtle Times

Our New Logo is Fucking Awesome

Look at this logo:

We Keep it Realer than Reality

It’s fucking spectacular. And since we haven’t made a penny off this site yet, and since the real Thirsty Turtle is defunct, no one can sue us. We win for eternity.

This logo is on our Twitter page. You should follow us (@ThirstyTimes). If you don’t have Twitter, get one just for us.

This logo is on our Facebook page. You should become a fan of us. If you don’t have Facebook you’re either really really cool or really really weird. Most likely the ladder. We don’t have a Google+ page. If you have one of those, well, we’re ok with your lifestyle choice.

Seriously, this logo is awesome. It’s the best thing to come out of Microsoft Paint since the Obama Hope Poster.

Things are changing around here.  The Thirsty Turtle Times is a growing enterprise, and successful growth works on systems. So from now on, I will not publish my personal notes on our official account (THIRSTYTURTLETIMES).

I will write from this account as Editor in Chief.

thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com