Author Archives: thirstyturtletimes

China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China (known simply as China), which drew the most attention. The reclusive, autocratic state visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

China revoked Loh’s citizenship (which expired 30 years ago) and declared that he no longer exists.  China also terminated their partnerships established with College Park on Loh’s trip to China with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley last year, which turned out to be a prisoner exchange program.

“Fuck Wallace Loh!” – Yang Jiechi

Seven students charged with underage drinking in College Park are already on their way home from Pingyao Prison in China, while the University of Maryland is returning several dissidents to China who were accused of smiling too much and reading the Thirsty Turtle Times.

China also rebuked The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, for suggesting Loh’s trips to Taiwan and China were “similar,” in an article last week.

“China is happy and glorious. Taiwan is the cradle of evil,” Jiechi explained to a Diamondback reporter over the phone. “It would be like someone comparing your University of Maryland to UMUC.”

Loh could not be reached for comment, although Taiwan has currently blocked all communications as part of a “routine-being-bombed-by-China-exercise.”

It appears only one major figure was pleased with Loh’s visit to Taiwan.

“Me so excited!” said Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in broken English. “Dad telled me about days like this! We able to use agents for kidnap for make glorious University of Pyongyang! No more student have one smuggled beer in 1976!”

Loh returns Monday, hopefully.

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████████ ████ contributed to this report. He or she can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

Indeed, it has been a long road to this point. Going back to its founding more than thirty years ago, researchers have been unable to confirm that the UMPD has ever made the right decision before. University officials are planning a parade to commemorate the achievement.

“Ever since it was created to control student rioting during the early seventies’ nationwide student rebellion, [the UMPD] has made a strong tradition out of failure, incompetence, corruption, and misprioritizing,” explained UMPD spokesman Captain Marc Limansky. “Since day one, we have followed the mantra that if you just reduce the drinking, every other problem would go away.”

Chief Mitchell agreed with this assessment. “Personally, I think it has put a significant dent in Global Warming,” he said.

UMPD announcing they successfully completed operation "We are capable of stuff."

But one night, allegations rose that a student with a strong GPA and little-to-no evidence of drug or alcohol use had threatened the school with a massive shooting spree via comments on Facebook and Reddit. Legend has it that Lt. Philip Tou’s brain immediately exploded upon hearing the news.

“We had this crazy idea that if, for one night, we took one unit off alcohol enforcement and actually monitored ethereal threats, maybe we wouldn’t fail at everything we did,” explained Limansky. “Personally, I still have my doubts.”

Alexander Song, the suspect alleged to have threatened the shooting spree, was arrested that night. Officers administered several dozen BAC tests, but he was sober.

“It was weird,” said Mitchell. “We even joked that, from now on, we’d maintain this protocol, of – get this – preventing violent crime instead of alcohol enforcement,” he said, laughing. “Oh, the jokes we have down at the station!”

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Rufus Scrimgeour contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.

Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.

The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.

“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department.

The students at Maryland-in-Damascus will have a significantly discounted program payment of just $1,200 for the entire semester, room and board included. The Syrian government will pick up the rest of the expenses.

“This kind of discount is unprecedented” said Ulrich. “All the students have to do is a little service for the government. How bad can it be?”

UMD President Loh and Syrian President Assad announcing the program in this clearly unaltered photo.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad was able to make a brief comment, and though pleased, he seemed a bit harried.

“Just send your students quickly. Cleanse them of moral conviction and independent thought, I need replacements now!”

When asked what he needed replacements for, Assad launched a long explanation of how his students were ‘defecting’ to neighboring Lebanon and Turkey for “fresher hummus.”

“Rats. But what can you do? Just make sure the students are wearing green,” he said quickly, before abruptly hanging up.

“Oh that Bashar,” chuckled Ulrich, counting a wad of cash. “He’s a devious one!”

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, speaking from his McKeldin-rooftop Jacuzzi, said only, “I would encourage every student to go on this pogrom, I mean, program,” before smiling as he sank below the bubbles.

Classes start Monday.

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Mohamed Bouazizi contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus.

The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity sports next year in what Athletic Director Kevin Anderson has called the “oh fuck, I’m not getting a raise any time soon.”

Loh's Future Mansion (architect's conception)

Nonetheless, President Loh and the Board of Regents have insisted on the necessity of the mansion.

“My salary is X, my expenses are Y, as long as my mansion is built I do not care where the difference comes from. That is my entire involvement,” he was heard to say before the protests, while Mrs. Loh was watching the 2008 film Taken very loudly in the next room.

Regents claim the project is being funded by private donations, but won’t elaborate on where the school suddenly accrued over seven million dollars in private money.

“Stocks” one of them said. “Lots of stocks.”

This explanation has not satisfied an irate student body, as they have continued assembling groups, writing columns in the Diamondback, and general protests. When finally the students formed an angry mob and sieged the president’s temporary residence, he said to his secretary, “What is happening? Why are they rioting?”

“Because they live in dorms sir,” she said. “They have no air conditioning.”

“LET THEM SWIM IN THEIR POOLS!” roared Loh.

After his secretary failed to explain to him that protesters in fact did not all own private pools to swim in, Loh fled to his mansion, still under construction.

“There may not be roofs, running water, or popularity for me in living here,” he said later in the day, taking shelter from the rain under scaffolding. “But at least I feel special. Where’s my brioche?”

Thanks to RL

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Marie Antoinette, Olivier Rabourdin, and RL contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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You May Have Noticed That You’ve Noticed Nothing

Hello chaps,

We at the Thirsty Turtle Times would like to apologize for our long delay in producing the awesomeness you expect from us. Clearly we are strained at the moment, as our Editor-in-Chief is spending a semester abroad. Evidently, he felt that mounting and/or Tebowing every monument in Europe was more important than his sworn duties as chief.

Unfortunately we do not possess the cash, power or political capital to overthrow him. We may not need to, however. He has informed us that he has observed “promising signs of a Blastoise in my travels, and I will return only upon the back of the almighty beast, christened in the Notre Dame de Paris as Blastudo.”

Any day now.

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The Thirsty Turtle Times is looking for writers to help fill the void until our EIC catches Blastudo. To apply, email us at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com.

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JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has finally received an intervention.  Officials say this was a long time coming.

Maryland students received an email at about 9:15 PM on Monday, January 16, alerting them of a fire in J.M. Patterson building.  Several follow up emails lead many to believe the blaze was uncontrollable.

Firefighters attempting to prevent JM Patterson from doing anything rash.

It was the Patterson building’s second suicide attempt in four months.  In October, the middle-aged structure mixed volatile chemicals in a desperate attempt to blow itself up.  Last week, it simply self-immolated.

The reasons seemed to be piling on.

“It never really got over its breakup with the Industrial Engineering department,” noted one professor, who chose to remain anonymous to maintain the battered building’s trust.  “That’s some 80 years of living in pain.”

The professor also disclosed that the building has ingested many chemical drugs, which he often ‘regrettably’ injected to the building himself via the chemical disposal room.

“He just never complained!” said the professor. “I can’t understand why he tolerated so much sodium hydroxide.”

The Geology Building has also noted negative trends.

“I saw Jimmy John’s delivery cars outside that building three to five times a night,” it said. “It was like JM was trying to eat itself to death.”

That wasn’t all.  The building also appeared to have entered an overly promiscuous phase in its downward spiral.

“So many degenerates got inside, without emerging till dawn.  [The JM Patterson Building] had this misplaced idea that the more people it slept with, the better it would feel,” said the Geology Building.  “It was awful to watch. I couldn’t do anything, I was so shocked, I just felt frozen to the ground; completely helpless.”

Evidently that all boiled over last Monday, when the JM Patterson, unsatisfied with its place in the world, grabbed hold of some of its circuitry and self-immolated.  The blaze was painstakingly contained after 20-30 minutes, and the building was kept isolated during a mental evaluation.

From this point forward, it’s all uphill.

“We’re so glad the JM Patterson is finally getting the help it needs,” said Sharon Kirkland-Gordon, a Director of the UMD Counseling Center, referring to the JM Patterson’s resolve to receive counseling at the Biology Pyschology building.

“There is no depth from which one cannot be saved” Kirkland-Gordon said. “The Counseling Center is glad to accept people of all backgrounds, whether black, white, gay, straight, wood or brick.”

The Bio-Pysch building, as it is colloquially known, is reportedly unhappy with the decision.

“Talk about a blind date,” is was overheard to have said.

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You can drop off words of encouragement for the JM Patterson Building at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.

“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”

Artist's conception of LohKeldin Park

When asked to justify a $25 million theme park while the University of Maryland is in such tight fiscal times, Loh insisted, “this project is for the students, and it will bring in money. I am absolutely convinced that my staff will be willing to foot the $2,400 yearly pass on the park.  Buy 10 years, get the 11th free! At less than six dollars a day, you can’t afford not to ride the Turtle-Shell Obliterator 3000!”

Many students have expressed shock and anger at the new plans, suggesting the money would be better spent shoring up a debt-ridden athletics department or fixing the school’s crumbling infrastructure.

“Each of those agencies has their own budget and must fund themselves, through donations, revenue, etc.” explained Loh, suggesting that the three matters were unrelated. When asked what was funding the theme parks, Loh muttered something about “the Ball Loh Hard University Fund.” He refused to elaborate.

When asked instead if bathrooms should charge entry fees to fund the plumbing, Loh abruptly stood up.

“Who the hell do you think you are, breaking into the financial office and reading our 2013 budgeting? Get the hell off my property!”

Construction on LohKeldin Park begins this week.

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LaMarcus Adna Thompson contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.

DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night

The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.

Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.

“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.

It was a joyous moment for University officials, who have enacted a series of initiatives to limit the black squirrel presence on campus, including banning them from approaching within 150 yards of all campus eateries, athletic facilities, and performing arts centers.

These signs have sprouted all over campus

“We will ride the entire campus of these ungodly beasts,” raved UMD Provost Ann Wylie. “Never again will these black bastards torment this campus. No more innocent humans and grey squirrels being beaten and raped. Never again will thievery reign throughout the land. Never again will they bring their barbarism and indecency to corrupt our peaceful gray-squirreled society. As long as we keep these monsters in check, we needn’t concern ourselves that anything else is a problem.”

No word yet on a response from the black-squirreled community. While some have suggested that a statement is not forthcoming since the squirrels are incapable of speech or thought, Wylie had a different opinion.

“They’re learning their f—–g place.”

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Bullwinkle J. Moose contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

“North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one student. “Like, it wasn’t even edible. It was terrible.”

So they were eating pig feces.

Last night's banquet hall

“WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?” shouted one student, stuffing handfuls of excrement into his mouth. “We can’t eat that crap. What other choice do we have?” At that point, the student appeared to have confused himself. He simply blurted out, “Fire Edsall.”

Reporters struggled to extract any more explanations for the bizarre behavior. The students were not interested in such mundane topics. They all unceasingly spouted reasons why the University of Maryland should immediately dismiss head football coach Randy Edsall.

In Edsall’s first year as coach, the Terps struggled to a 2-10 season, losing their last seven games by double digit margins.

A majority of the students eating feces were wearing “Fire Edsall” shirts. Though none of the media on scene were sports reporters, they were able to engage the students on the topics.

“What do you say about the athletic department’s five million dollar budget deficit, plus the ten million it would take to replace Edsall and his staff?” asked a Diamondback reporter of a student arms deep in feces.

“Look at the numbers. Look at the donations we’re losing. Look at the ticket losses! We’re losing money, but we can totally afford the replacement!” said the student, his “Fire Edsall” shirt covered in pig slop. “If we don’t replace him, we will sink into a lethal spiral and the program will never win a game again and lose billions of dollars.”

“Where did you get these numbers?” asked the reporter.

Students who want to Fire Edsall eat shit en masse, apparently.

“Ted,” he replied, pointing to another student whose head was lost inside a pig’s rectum, his neck pulsing with the effort of swallowing.

After awhile, the students seemed incapable of anything beyond consuming feces and babbling “Fire Edsall.” Reporters continued to press the students to explain why they were eating excrement instead of simply waiting until morning for the diners to serve new food. Answers were short and simple.

“We’re hungry now.”

“Fire Edsall.”

“What’s so hard to understand? We want food. There’s nothing to eat. So we’re eating shit. Fire Edsall.”

One student came somewhat prepared.

“Results are like eating nacho cheese,” he said, pouring some of the same all over his plate of hot feces. “If it isn’t fast enough, you could have a real problem on your hands.” And with that, he shoved the whole plate into his mouth.

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Porky the Pig contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues.  Many people took offense to what they perceived to be slanderous hate speech by the advertisement, and the school’s Student Government Association went so far as to condemn the paper.

At the Thirsty Turtle Times, “standards” are like business at the Barking Dog – nonexistent. Since day one, our “About” page has told the truth – that like our namesake, we will admit anything with a pulse.

And so, the Thirsty Turtle Times is proud to print the original advertisement by FLAME, uncut, which the Diamondback deemed to “inflammatory” to publish. Enjoy!

Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

The time has come for the United States to move on from its forced “friendship” with the Arab people. The Arabs are Monsters. They are demon spawn, and their hate, their incompatibility with democracy, and their desire to murder Jews is in their blood.

We have a series of expectations as a unified group of proud Zionists. This is the first request we must raise and do: that our people be free, that these Arab chains that bind us be burst asunder, that Israel be once again captain of her soul and master of her destinies, together with all those who want to join the only democracy in the Middle East, not counting Lebanon, Turkey, Tunisia or Libya. They don’t count; they’re Arab.

And the fulfillment of this first demand will then open up the way for all the other ‘reforms’ that are so necessary.  And here is one thing that perhaps distinguishes us from you as far as our program is concerned, although it is very much in the spirit of things: our attitude to the Arab problem.

For us, this is not a problem you can turn a blind eye to – one to be solved by small concessions from either side, be they settlement stoppages, “land” or “civil liberties.”  For FLAME, it is a problem of whether our nation of Israel can ever recover its health, whether the Muslim spirit can ever really be eradicated.

If only one society, for whatever reason, tolerates a Muslim family in it, that family will become the germ center for fresh sedition. If one little Arab boy survives with no Mosque or Madrasah, without any Jihadist training, Islamo-fascism is still in his soul. Even if there had never been a Mosque or a Madrasah or a Koran, the Islamist spirit would still exist and exert its influence. It has been there from the beginning and there is no Arab, not a single one, who does not personify it.

Don’t be misled into thinking you can fight a disease without killing the carrier, without destroying the bacillus.  Don’t think you can fight racial tuberculosis without taking care to rid the nation of the carrier of that racial tuberculosis.  This Arab contamination will not subside, this poisoning of the nation will not end, until the carrier himself, the Arab, has been banished from our midst.

Do what is right. Support the Israeli people in their quest for peace, by letting them know they are wrong to support Palestinian statehood. Help FLAME convince the U.S. government squash these dangerous Islamist/Jihadist uprisings in Syria, Yemen, Egypt, Libya, and more – which were clearly planned by Osama Bin Laden and ACORN, aimed at toppling peace-loving dictators in favor of something intolerable – Arab democracy. Remember, the security and peace of Israeli Jews is far more important than peace, freedom, justice, and economic opportunity for over a billion Arabs. The Arabs are a monstrous collection of devil’s advocacy; they are the antithesis of civilized man. They must be exterminated.

This has been an Advertisement by FLAME, minus the written words or implied exchange of money. Das Fuhrer contributed to this report.

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