The Terrapin League: The Battle of McKeldin

Part I: Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice.  If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Last week (year), campus troubles became a national crisis! President Wallace Loh possesses a computer … Continue reading

Adventures of the Terrapin Boys: Rise of Dr. Loh

Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice. If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Starting here: Last month, we saw the government take action after a University of Iowa … Continue reading

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to … Continue reading

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn. … Continue reading

Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74. Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last … Continue reading

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached … Continue reading

UMD Ravens Fans Can’t Decide Between Successful Futures, Violent Rioting

COLLEGE PARK – Sunday night was a night torn for many University of Maryland Ravens fans. They were conflicted, simply unable to decide between inducing mayhem to celebrate their team’s Super Bowl victory, or having a clean record and a chance for a successful future. “Hardest decision of my life!” … Continue reading

Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge. Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he … Continue reading